Why are there no good men?

Women and Swag

First of all note, the swag is not gender-specific. Women, you must realize that you are in control. Contrary to popular belief you hold the power. 98% of marriages start with the man asking the woman. The mom takes care of 94% of the kids. So how can we as men dictate to you? This is cleverly disguised because without our all-important sperm you cannot reproduce. There is something in your body, genetic makeup, which tells you to do whatever it takes to make this happen. So here is where your major problem lies. I like to think of it in terms of Lions. I know you're saying I’m calling you an animal, yes I am, we all are. The Lion King hangs out all day making decisions and fighting when he’s challenged. This is sort of like men. The women go and get the food and make it edible for their offspring. Now, how important is the Lion King? Well, he’s the ideal candidate to create offspring, he’s fast, smart, strong, and he survived being a child in the wild. This creates his swag so all the Lionesses want to be with him.  So what am I saying? I’m saying that women only care for their offspring and will do what’s necessary for them. The only problem is that the Lion King gets to impregnate all the Lionesses. Translating this forward, we have a pride of women wanting to sleep with the same man. When this happens you give up control and thus lose your true identity. As women, thinking in this manner, you want the leader of the pack. This is how the player or dog gets created. In a man’s nature, this is not naturally the case. What generally happens is as kids we do not realize our swagger or swag. In most cases a boy cub will find a girl cub that he likes, then once he realizes that he is not the Lion King and she falls for another, his quest changes. Now he does what he has to do to become the Lion King but once he becomes the Lion King now all the girls want him, so he has all the girls. Now the Lion King in today’s society would be the guy in the club, office, a playground that’s swag is on “a thousand” at that moment. See in the lion’s society that practice of one male impregnating all the females is accepted however in our modern-day society it’s not. So how do you get the Lion King to only want you? Your swag is the key.

Now back to the hierarchy women's shoes must be flawless. Now the key to how you dress is based, just like for the males, on your audience. No matter what shoes you have on they must be presentable. Let me state again that you have the power, so honestly, your outfit depends on who you want to attract, like the feathers of a peacock. Now if you have on jeans and sneakers you can almost bet your bottom dollar that a guy with jeans and sneakers on is going to make a move if any move is made at all. See for you women dressing has no rules except that it has to look good on you. Remember swag is how you are perceived by others. Now if you are a big girl or a girl with fat feet know that open toes is not the way for you. The type of shoes, being the base, is the beginning of your swag. Appealing is what you want to be at all times, the same with men. I mean the thing that you can get away with a woman is ridiculous, like wearing hills with sweat pants.  Imagine a guy putting on a fresh pair of slides (dress shoes) with a pair of sweats; you would have to believe he’s in a rush or even a bum no matter what the name brand or how fresh the shoes look.  The hierarchy is how your swag gets determined.  Confidence is the key to swag; you have to know you are the schit. The game, men trying to impress women, and vice versa is what we do every day. Some have become experts at this and others need assistance, but everyone is in the game. A woman with confidence is exhilarating and thus piques our interest. When you step into a room and you walk it's like you are floating and all men love that. When you feel that you are above the room men will too. With that said you cannot hide behind a mask and think that we don’t know what you’re doing.

Head appeal is second on the hierarchy. If you wear makeup and it doesn’t look natural or the setting does not call for it, you appear to have low self-esteem. When you have low self-esteem we can smell it. When you have low self-esteem it's like a shark to blood in the water, easy prey. Your face is more important than your hair. Hairstyles should be designed to complement your face and outfit, but mainly your face. Your facial features can be off-kilter, meaning you’re ugly, but if you’re confident in yourself and want to be yourself then, men will smell and compete for that. This confidence is how you must really feel deep down inside. Men smell it from the heart, so if confidence isn’t running through your veins and is only on the surface once that is realized you will be left alone and on to the next scent. Women call men dogs and don’t really understand the psyche behind it. Sex is a weapon and you should use it to ward off unwanted intruders. Why is sex a weapon? We as men utilize all our senses when attacking our prey, and you are the prey. See sex is how we directly connect to you. When this connection happens it will become apparent that you have or lack confidence. How do you overcome this? As a woman, you naturally want to mate with a suitable King to increase the chances of your offspring surviving, but the timing has to be right. We men also need to have the same confidence that I speak of. If you have intercourse with a male too soon, although you have confidence, it will have an adverse effect on his confidence and his subconscious mind will tell him that you lack in that department, thus on to the next scent.  This is how strong women end up with the guy out the door. Men and women need each other there is no such thing as independence only strong. See because you are confident you don’t need to sleep with the male at a time convenient to him it has to be convenient to the both of you. The guy is always ready but you shouldn’t be. You wait until he has committed to you. This may not be through a relationship but after getting all the things you want. How do you get the things you want?

A shirt can send all the right signals it can say I’m open for business or I’m a business owner. Your shirt or what’s covering your heart tells a man when you are ready. Hence the reasons why men stare in that region because he’s trying to figure out if it is him you are ready for. The shirt or what’s covering your heart is the most important level because it’s the gateway down south. Your swag can be boosted or downgraded based on how you cover your heart. The same rules apply for both women and men. If your shirt is too big, you lack confidence, on to the next scent. Now if the shirt is too small that brings about a plethora of mental thoughts. If you are a big girl or a girl with the “muffin top” small shirts are disgusting, period. Nobody finds that attractive but what men do find is that you are blood in the water, easy prey. These are the same facts for shirts with your entire breast out. What’s under the shirt or however you cover your heart is what we are trying to get to. We want to know your confidence, showing us any portion of your heart makes us think we have a cheat code or shortcut to finding out. In a one on one situation never show anything unless you are prepared for the worst, a confidence thirsty wolf.  That’s the worst situation for any female to be in. If you do not understand what I’m saying its rape, this is not your fault, he is confidence thirsty and will do anything to get it, so know your audience. Now as a woman again fashion just has to look good on you, because there are any numbers of things you can put together to make an outfit. Now you have sent a message with what is covering your heart, next comes the confirmation.

Pants will confirm whether or not you are confident and ready in appearance. Now pants are what really make the muffin. Just like when making actual muffins the pan, not the dough is what determines the top. With that said if you are a big girl wearing pants that are too small, it’s disgusting. Now pants can make or break an outfit or your perceived confidence. Ok again with the big girls, just as I was talking to the fat dudes in an earlier post, you cannot wear pants that are too small. Your belly will get squeezed out of the top and thus forming the muffin. Buy pants that fit! Skinny jeans are for skinny people, if you wear skinny jeans and you are a big girl you absolutely cannot wear a skinny top. Now, what you can do with skinny jeans as a big girl? You can wear a fitting but not snug shirt with a pair of boots. Now if you are a big girl and you wear skinny jeans with sneakers, this is a no-no. Shoes are the first thing we see so we will see your ankles spewing out the bottom of your jeans like a baker pushing buttercream. From there it does not matter how the rest of the outfit looks. Boots it does not matter what boot but something to cover the ankles and hide but flatter your top. Now we are down south, the entranceway to discovering your confidence. Again the timing has to be right but you can tease a man with the right pair of pants or whatever covers the entranceway. Now getting in the entranceway should not be free! He should have spent time and affection. More important than affection is time. See the longer he is fighting to outwit you then the more his mind is saying she is confident. What this battle does is allows you both to gain confidence in each other. See you begin to trust him, so his thoughts and ideas and words help you to gain the confidence you need. He doesn’t realize this is happening but at the same time, his subconscious mind is saying this is exactly what I need. Through this time you give him the confidence that there is no other scent better than yours and he has been on your scent so long he doesn’t remember what other scents are. The third bonus in paying with time is that he will forget how to hunt anything other than your scent. But it is crucial for you to remember he is a wild animal who was once the Lion King, these hunting skills are only masked in mutual benefits. Once the benefits lean-to one side or the other or you are not doing the same things that kept him on the hunt he will then start to remember the wild. A classic example of this is Buck a character in the book “Call of the Wild” who was a house dog who heard the calling of other dogs and once in the wild he remembered how to survive and compete. If the timing is right he will take care of the accessories.

The accessories are the last level of swag, which is the bonus level because for most women it isn’t necessary or most men don’t care, but when it's right it's right. For example, wearing a strapless dress shows off your neck and shoulders if you wear long chandelier-like earrings this will accentuate your neckline leading to your shoulders.  This coupled with a necklace that rests slightly below your neck will send men crazy. But either way, you have control.


Swag by my definition is a mathematical quantification of one’s demeanor, personality, and overall attractiveness as perceived by others. This department is where most of us fat dudes fall victim to predators. Walking around completely unsure of whether you fit in or not. Just like needs, swag has a hierarchy. In order to build your swag you must start with the base of the hierarchy and not skip steps. The hierarchy is as follows: the base is shoes; the next level is head appeal, then shirt, pants, and finally accessories. Those are the basics we will discuss swag boosters throughout the article.

The base is your shoes, without this, you cannot stand, or walk. How did shoes get to be the base? Well as a Fashionlytic I came to the conclusion that whether you're fat, skinny, starter, or bench warmer if you take all that away the difference is your shoes. Outside of natural appearance, it’s the first thing kids make fun of. Now hear the truth it doesn’t matter whether they are expensive or cheap just clean and fresh looking. You have to believe that your shoes are the schit! You can recognize instantly when a person believes their shoes are cool because they have the “new shoe walk”. This walk is where your swag begins to show. As people ask themselves why he walks like that, then they look down and see a pair of fresh kicks. Now what happens next, isn’t gender-specific, everyone in whatever jargon or slang you speak says to themselves, or if your swag is “on a thousand” they will say nice kicks. Now see the truth many will argue the name brand cheap thing but picture this Rick Ross shoes, expensive or cheap. Because of his swag, you aren’t going to question it. You want to know how I shop for shoes that are going to boost my swag. Shopping to find your base is easier than you think, it can be done with little cash. Say for example I wanted new shoes to wear out tonight but I only have $30, and I need them tonight. For all the fashion Guru’s this is a lesson on swag not how to spend money. I would go to Payless, yes Payless, they have a good selection and they are relatively inexpensive. For example, right now I could build my outfit around a pair of Lakeside slip-ons by Dexter. This shoe is versatile because it can be worn hanging out or going to the club. Your facial recognition factor is the next level.

Keep reading and by the end of this article, you will be a complete Swaggateer. People will look directly at your face. Head appeal is a crucial element in controlling perception. Dismiss the truth you may be ugly, and if you believe that then you lose because swag is based on how others perceive you. So stop here and go cry in the corner of your room in your parents’ house with Twinkies and a love story. If you believe you are the schit then read on. When others see your face their eyes should be greeted with a smile. Since you don’t know who’s watching you, then you should always be smiling. If their eyes are met with a mug then the bus stops there. You become unapproachable or you’re having a bad day, all of which translates to ugly. But because we are smiling now we are warm and available for conversation. Side Note: Everybody is ugly to somebody, no matter how you cut it. Your face should be groomed, hair cut, and lips not chapped. Lips not being chapped does not mean running around with your lips poppin’. At this point she will say to herself if he is this clean then his life must be that way as well. This translates to he has no drama and if he does he has a handle on it, equaling dateable or worthy of getting to know them. Not saying that is the case it's just how she perceives it. Once again with swag not being gender-specific then men will say you fresh or something of the sort. At this point, you can take control of any chance meeting with one word, hi. That one word, believe it or not, is the most difficult thing in the world to say for a swagless person. The “hi” is open-ended, which means it invites conversation but because you are in control now the response is up to the swag of the other person. Don’t get too caught up in the “hi” though you should say it to everyone. The “hi” says I recognize your presence, which could ward off would-be attackers. How do you really rev up your swagodometer?

Keep reading.

The shirt plays an important role in this aspect. As the third level of the hierarchy, this will begin to add momentum to your swag. Ok, your shirt has to be clean, pressed (ironed no wrinkles). Having wrinkles can move you into the disorganized category, and if you are big enough, the sloppy category. Both of those categories denote bad things and should be avoided. What stands out the most, and can be seen from a hundred miles away, is the shirt size. If the shirt is too small it says “I like what I like and I don’t care what you think”. That may be an outstanding quality in other areas but not when trying to gain swag. Oh and don’t think because it's high-end, name-brand it means something, it doesn’t. It will only lead to you being laughed at or talked about. Whether they say it to your face or behind your back they are still saying it. At this point, you are one foot into the coffin of friendship. The reciprocal is a shirt that is too big. These are the shirts that hang down to your knees. You know the ones that were labeled short sleeves but when you put it on the sleeves are ¾ long, looking like the shirt sleeves were rolled up then cut off, terrible. It says “hey world I have something to hide” the only problem is that everyone knows what it is I’m fat and I lack confidence! This guarantees you end up in the friendship coffin and buried deep. The person who dresses this way will be timid and want to avoid confrontation, that’s why you get picked on. Predators will attack the easiest prey shirts that size appears like a bullseye. If you put on a shirt that fits it screams I know who I am, I am confident in whom I am, and most importantly I want to be who I am. Boom, at this point you have not voluntarily put yourself in the friendship coffin, so you’re good so far. The double-up bonus equals wearing a shirt that hasn’t come out yet or that nobody would wear, at least not until they saw how you did it. A common comment that you know that you have been swag boosted is as simple as that’s a nice shirt from girls or I saw that shirt from guys. From a man that translates to I did not have the swag to wear the shirt so I didn’t buy it. When girls say it, it translates to you look nice in that shirt. You are almost to the top!

Pants are the final most statically underappreciated area of swag. Correctly choosing a pair of pants puts you on the road to being swaggeriffic. Britches, excuse my ole’ school, that are too small tells the universe that I want to desperately fit in, and not ever go against the grain, or I don’t look at myself. Again people will talk about you! That’s a clear violation of the swag code and therefore you have been D-O-W-N-G-R-A-D-E-D. Pants that are too big whisper I’m fat, but I don’t want you to know exactly how fat I am. I lack confidence, individual character, and I’m not happy with myself… If you put a rock in front of this person they will try to hide under it. If you’re lucky, because you don’t know who you are then you can be made into whatever she wants you to be. If she doesn’t have anyone to chill with, guess who’s up. If she wants to feel loved because her real love interest doesn’t like her, guess who’s up. If she has a secret that she wants to tell and doesn’t want anyone to know, guess who’s up, the unpopular swagless fat guy. These are the only circumstances that she will call you. Now metaphorically you're dead buried deep in a coffin. If you want to be swagtastic you will purchase pants that fit. Men will say, in a masculine tone, “I like those jeans, where did you get them”. Women will most likely comment on the outfit as a whole, this is because if she says “nice jeans” checkmate, she was checking you out. Now you are almost ready to go to the skybox.

Are you ready let’s go!

Accessorizing isn’t just for women. How we accessorize makes us men. Now, this isn’t the 90’s where you would put on every chain you owned every time you left the house. For men, we have to keep it simple like a watch, and or a single chain. If you have the right head size you can add a head-gear like a ball cap, or fedora. Since we have all been accustomed to watching so much TV, glasses are an excellent option as an accessory. Because you have to wear them you might as well pick a stylish looking pair. Stylish looking is just that stylish looking, not name brand or expensive. We do not carry black books anymore we carry cell phones. Some women value your subtle telling of how much money should be in your bank account by having flashy cell phones. As I love having the latest cell phone gadget I’m a fan of the cell phone as an accessory. Unless you are married get rid of the rings. Cheap outfits are instantly thought of as exclusive and expensive with the addition of a cool watch and cell phone.

Published February 22, 2011